I admit it. I am uncertain, uncomfortable, unsure and yes...unhappy. There it is, I've said it. As saved and as sanctified as I say that I am, at times I still cry out, "God! Where ARE you?" And during this time in my life I hear myself approaching God with this question once again. But curiosity is the key here, I've just found that out.
Wilderness is defined as an uncultivated, uninhabited, inhospitable region. In my particular church culture people often describe times of uncertainty and extreme discomfort as “The Wilderness” or “A Wilderness Experience.” We say that probably because of the way it makes us feel to be in a position and place where we don’t readily see, feel, hear or maybe even continue to know the God who leads and guides us. Recently while feeling myself surrounded by isolation, desolation, lack of cultivation and no habitation I was doing what wilderness travelers do – I was pleading my case to any person who happened by and looked at me curiously, even though these visitors were few and far between.
Jut today a good friend, via a quick text message asked casually, “How’s it going?” and I jumped on the end of her sentence like I was grabbing on to the last vestiges of my life, desperate to tell her how it was actually draining from me. “I don’t know, I’m just so dry and confused and alone… I’m in the wilderness or something.” It tumbled out of my mouth with more desperation and grief (the sorry for myself kind) than careful consideration for what I may really be experiencing. I was thirsting and I wanted her to give me the recipe for a long cool drink!
“Well”, she said, “Keep walking in the wilderness. There IS a calm there. I know for sure because I felt it for myself when I was climbing the rocky hills in the REAL wilderness in Jerusalem.” At the moment she completed that charge to me the Spirit of God provided divine insight. “Sometimes God gives rest before He sends you out to the work. Take advantage of this time, don’t disparage it.” It was just above a whisper in my soul but I heard it loudly and clearly. Dry or not, I still know the voice of the Holy Ghost when I hear it.
Right now I feel wounded. As God is forming a race equity and social justice ministry in me I find that I am losing friends, family, and colleagues who probably had an idea of what I've always stood for, but never had to be confronted with it before now. Right now I feel worn out. There is SO much work to be done as we participate with God in His plan of redemption for this dying world, and I can't seem to grasp a good (paying!) corner of it and hang on. Right now I feel weary. One of my most feared and most beloved seminary professors taught us about "struggling" with Scripture. The brain power that is required to study and apply God's word is no joke out here in these ministry streets, not to mention one's own personal development of spiritual disciplines! And right now I feel confused - a bit rootless without a current church home. Could God really be moving in my life in such an unexpected and non-traditional way?
This is my space, place, and position in life right now, in partnership with the Holy Ghost. Even in all of these "feels" I am thankful for the soft whisper of the Spirit reminding me to be more of my authentic self - to wonder rather than despair. So I'm shifting a bit with the writing of this piece. I wonder where God is taking me in ministry? I wonder what He is making room for in my life by clearing away some old friends and colleagues? I wonder what I can and will do differently than my rather traditional church upbringing, that will usher in the unexpected but awfully exciting presence of God for others? Yes, there is a calm in the wilderness and recognizing it has allowed me to re-frame my paradigm.
I offer to you the lens of curiosity too. Where are you? What does it feel like? What is the Spirit saying, and what are you in preparation for? What I'd really like to know from you is "How's it going?"
Comments